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| As I become more involved with people in various ways, I realize more about myself. If anything, knowing yourself and how you interact is probably one of the best things that can help you to be a less selfish and more considerate person. As important it is to know someone else, knowing yourself, your faults, tendencies, abilities, mannerisms, defense mechanisms, etc sheds light on how to accommodate and have grace with others. At least for me thus far.
There's this publication about different love languages, or how people express or receive love from others. While no set formula or finding a match to people's differing communication methods should be followed exclusively, being aware of how people express themselves and graciously receive is something to keep in mind. As much as I appreciate when people love on me in their various ways, knowing that they are loving me in this particular way of theirs...sometimes it feels selfish - on their part and on mine. Questions of why can't they love me the way I want to be loved sometimes? Why do I keep feeling bulldozed over? Am I ungrateful for this time and effort they are putting in? Am I being rigid and too particular? Am I being selfish in the way that I want to be treated? In the grand scheme of things, is this so important to have a particular way that I would like? Should I just let this go? <- notice all the "I's"?
Perhaps I am too rigid...but this is how I am...shouldn't I be honored or at least be recognized for who I am? As well as realizing this for the other person. Not a "give and take," but a conversation, discussion...a sharing in how we love each other.
life's hard, and i feel like i'm failing a lot of the times, but God is good and I got to trust in that. | | |
| Coming into the end of March...it has been almost a whole month since school has started, yet it feels as if the school year is in full swing. I think these are just my sentiments, especially since I have now taught all the students at this school. The 3rd year students, I taught my first year I was here, for about half a year. The 2nd year students I taught them for a full academic year, last year. And now the new 1st year students...who I've been teaching for almost a month now.
Even though I've only had classes with them 3 times thus far...I can already see many of their personalities emerging. The ones who coast through school, the ones who are opportunist, the teachers' pets, the sleepers, the zombies, etc...Thankfully, the eagerness in their eyes isn't lost quite yet, nor clouded by being overworked and sleep deprived...which I think is such the case for any teenager really.
I definitely miss my students from last year and the year prior, and they do stop to say hello or chat a bit...which is nice. But I would have to say...being a teacher is something I find quite rewarding...even though I don't necessarily count myself as a teacher in the traditional sense. Being able to build relationships with students, with or without the language barrier, has definitely proved to be challenging...not just for the students, but also on my end.
I find that I would like to speak more with the students...my greed to be closer and talk more with the students, more friendly...I catch myself contemplating whether or not I should just inject more Korean into my conversations with them (eg. catch phrases, popular phrases, short words, etc), or just let them know that I know understand Korean to a certain extent, but don't really speak it. But in either case, I'm finding lately that distorting the truth (aka. a lie) is something that doesn't really sit well with me...even if it's one of those so-called "white lies." I'm finding that my tolerance for lies (mainly my one) has been decreasing, yet I'm caught up in using them "for the benefit of others." *I digress...*
Regardless of my desire to converse more with the students, there is much that I need to consider, especially since my role here is that of an English conversation teacher. And in that respect I should try to aid the students as much as possible...which hopefully the students will begin to see that speaking English is more than about pronunciation, or about having perfect grammar...it's about communication, ingenuity, being persistent....
It reminds me of my own stunted attempts of communication with God...how sporadic it becomes...how inarticulate I am...oh well, just gotta keep trying, and remember that God's got my back, and He's going to keep helping me out, growing, expanding, adding depth to my thoughts, skills, and overall ability...of who I am, and whom God means me to be. ^_^
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| thought that occurred while washing up...
After scouring the internet many times, I always come to the same conclusion...one should not pop a pimple. There is risk of infection, redness, etc, etc...basically you make it worse off. A pimple is going to happen, plain fact. No matter how much you cleanse your face, it is an inevitable part of life/skincare. For some, it's a war...and others, an inconvenience, a passing glance. Now, I'm probably not the first person that people will readily go to for advice on skincare/health & beauty tips...I mean, I wouldn't even ask me. But, it seems to be a great act of discipline to not pop a pimple.
There is a sort of satisfaction in ridding your body of dirt, grime...and excising. A pimple is like a target for all to see, that seems to broadcast unwanted slander, propaganda, and speculations of cleanliness. Trying to cover up a pimple is difficult, because if it remains as a protrusion on the skin, it's that much harder to make up its height.
The things is, everybody tries to cover it like a dirty little secret, but everybody deals with it. People are trying to deny flaws that they have to appear flawless; perhaps in the hopes that their appearances will influence how others perceive them. Even in the midst of this veiled blatancy, we make the matter worse by trying to excise the grime that has accumulated in the false hopes that we squeeze it away.
Each time a glaring pustule emerges and takes form, I try to withhold myself from squeezing away its existence. The restraint to wait, while it balloons and expands...to not try to take retaliatory measures...and then I succumb. I lose to myself, a losing battle, that I already know the outcome and make pie in the sky promises to just leave the pimple alone if, and when it comes again.
So why all the dramatization about a pimple? It reminded me about sin, go figure. There is no one on this planet that will not, or hasn't committed a sin. The only person who would be able to throw that stone (John 8:1-11), would be Jesus. Now...not saying that Jesus did or didn't have pimples (but probably since He was human), but the point is that we should accept the pimple as a fact. Pimples are bound to happen. Our interference in erasing them makes it worse, more often than not. It isn't us to go around getting rid of pimples. In this analogy, I'm not saying that we should leave sin alone and just accept it. More along the lines that somebody is better suited (way better) to take care of them, if we try to get rid of it on our own, by our own means, probably not going to work so well.
that's all...just wanted/needed to write this thought out, and wanted to share...so if you made it all the way through, kudos.
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| fair warning...these are just thoughts, hence the title...it's not necessarily going to be a cohesive and organized post.
Generally, I call home about once a week. And I can say that it's a tad difficult for me to continue keeping in touch with people if they're not in the same physical location/area. Even with the what technology is with emails, networking sites, skype, etc...there's really no way to counter these things if there aren't planned measures to really talk or communicate.
So here's an update of sorts...for whoever reads this...or at least it's like a log...one that is meant for people to read, aside from the jots that I make in my journal from time to time.
I am very blessed. I think that since Thanksgiving (way back in November) that having a spirit of thanksgiving has been very helpful in recognizing the many blessings that I have, however biased I am in my perspective. Though there are many things that I wish was better, or regrets and guilts that I have resulting from my own human fickleness, I am still, nevertheless, a blessed individual. And I think all the more when I come to the realization that this all stems from God's grace. There are many questions that I have...like what's going to happen after August? Am I going to stay in Korea longer? What kind of vocation am I going to have? What am I going to be learning next? Will I feel more polished as a teacher this coming March? What am I going to do with all this stuff I've accumulated? Is it worth buying this/that if I'm not going to stay here longer? etc, etc...
Thankfully, there are people in my life that have been helping me through some of these questions as I go through another transitional period. Either through talks over ice cream, journaling, chatting online, emails, encouragements, or just reading things here and there. Definitely the Wednesday Night Services at church have been very helpful. I think that with the privilege of being able to go to WNS regularly, has been a blessing in of itself. Many times I don't know who will be sharing or what topic they will be speaking about, but every time God uses that time to speak to me...and I imagine speak to others as well...God is just good like that, one message and it speaks in so many various ways to so many different people...utterly amazing if you think logistically, or not, about it.
Remembering back to the last WNS of this past December and to the service that happened the day prior, each time, God has spoken in some way of affirmation or at least acknowledgment to issues that I'm dealing with, or trying not to deal with. Anywhere from who I am in my identity, as a daughter of God's, and to my future, which all seems to be different facets of the same thing -- God's character and who I am in Him. Even with trying to go on vacation to some place warm (note: it has been cold and snowy, which I don't mind half as much, but do because it's icy most of the time), but really figuring out that going somewhere doesn't always equal to rest...sometimes it's just escaping, and exhaustive. I have been learning and re-learning lots. I may not be as dutiful as I would like to be...but nonetheless God honors and delights in my inadequate attempts & spurts to grow closer...which by God's grace I am. I feel like that I have grown much and very little at the same time, in light of how big God is, and just my own insecurities.
So while it seems the world flies by with news of government uprisings, unhappiness, heroes, miracles, human suffering, progress, digression, depression, stagnancy, etc...I will actively wait. Because something that I'm just starting to discover is that...if I try my hand at being at part of this world, working for the praises and adulation of the people, working to be a person of interest...it's too much for me...if I try to make myself qualified, I'll feel even less qualified...more empty, living for just myself doesn't fill me up. When I try to work/do for another's interest or well-being, it becomes too much of my own selfish reasons in some convoluted fashion. This queer self-gratification of being good...is temporary at best; but there will always be this feeling, this gnawing of not having done enough...the I could have done more...a feeling of inadequacy...I imagine something similar to the later scenes of the movie, Schindler's List. If I live for God, those feelings of inadequacy will still be there; but at the same time, there will be those thoughts and assurances that God will handle it, it is not something for me to do...it's a matter of faith, of trust, God's will.
So, as my vacation nears its end (the new school year starts in March), I will try not to concern myself too much of what the future holds, today has enough worries of its own. And there is much that I need to not do, but simply be present...which is easier said than done...because actively waiting is something that is not easily cultivated.
I'm thankful for this reflection period. Hopefully there will be more revelations soon to come. And it's good to hear of so many blessings in the midst of trials and sorrows of life. As cheesy as it sounds, that silver lining, sometimes we don't see it, but someone else will, and just hearing about can give hope, too. | | |
| There really is no way that I cannot not associate the word "reflection" without thinking of Disney's Mulan. In, what is now, the 11 months I have lived and worked in the Republic of Korea (South Korea, folks) I have had many moments of reflection and reflections.
I have never in my tenure in living someplace seen so many reflections of myself. Generally, I rarely look at my reflection in a mirror or shiny surface...but that all changed. Now, I catch myself looking at myself in windows, and mirrors, and shiny surfaces that are peppered throughout in almost every nook and cranny. I guess this is a good thing in a way...? At the time when I wasn't faced with myself literally (basically my life before S. Korea), I came across this passage:
22Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror 24and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.
--James 1:22-24
I was a tad concerned in reading this passage...because since I rarely looked at the mirror, I more or less had a vague idea of what my face looked like...what my looks were like. I think it was a tangled misanthropic way of trying to abstain from cultivating vanity...anyways...back to shiny things...
I think it's been a good thing, in general, that I've been more or less confronted with myself. It provides me with an upfront visual of really looking at myself, and not just in an ambiguous character, personality, insert adjective, kind of way. By looking at myself physically, I was able to think more about myself introspectively. (and now I cringe a bit with all this self-centered thinking...but then again, this is a realization I've come to about myself...I'm a very selfish person...it's human, but that doesn't negate my selfishness).
I've had these 11 months to think more about myself, my relationship with family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, people, etc...about interactions I've had, will have...the type of person I am (coming to some acceptance of it and resolve to change it).
And so this is one of the things I've realized...no matter what you think of nature vs. nurture, life's epiphanies, etc...these are all thoughts of people present, past and in the future. What you think, is what you think, and I'm grateful that in the midst of all these thoughts and philosophies...God is there to ground me...provide a lens, guidance, rebuke, edification through it all...cause what I realized about myself through all of this...is that I like truths...fallacies don't sit well with me, and coming to terms with lying to myself or to others, or of any assemblance of a falsehood, guise provides a lot of ruminating. With that said...if you see/hear anything resembling a falsehood from me...feel free to call me out on it.
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